Maidan Square, Kiev, Ukraine

The Rhythm of Emotion

My body shuttered from the first note.  The emotions lay there so close to the surface that I found myself powerless against the rush of tears that welled up in the pit of my gut and flowed furiously from my eyes.

This move, this blind leap really, this leaving family, comfort and stability, to live a life of perpetual wandering, trust, faith . . .

We have kids now you know.  And they have their own feelings.  It was easy when it was just the two of us.

It cost us nothing, then.

Now, the stakes are high.  We have these little people counting on us for everything, yet we can guarantee them nothing in this life.

Trust. Trust that the Lord loves them just as much as I do and will provide for their safety when He calls us to some very unlovely places.

Faith.  Faith that their little tummies will always be full of warm and yummy things, that their little feet will never go bare. 

It's hard, and all of this came pouring out.  The music, as always, was my undoing . . .

"If I give it all to you will you make it all new?

  If I open up my hands will you fill them again?"

"I know that I can trust you

I lean not on my own understanding,

my life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven.

 I know that I can trust you
So give me a heart to love you God.

There's nothing I hold on to

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open

There's nothing I hold on to

I am so in love with you 

there is no one else for me."

. . . but before the tears have a chance to dry, He whispers so sweetly, like He always does,

"You can trust me, I love you my darling."

and His peace floods my heart once again.

Baal-Perazim Indeed

So my beautiful wife informs me at 6:35 this morning that she fudged up on some calculations.  Her anxiety and angst in her face along with deep sorrow set the tone.  She had agreed to a meeting with our directors in Davos at 7:00am Eastern Standard Time, which astounded me since she usually doesn't rise on weekends till about half past ten. Regardless of the lack of sleep, we had joy and expectations about this meeting.

Back up about 3 to 4 weeks ago Christina and I found ourselves completely strung out and in need of rest. When one is raising funds for ministry its a mountain/valley experience. We were in the bottom of that valley asking God whats going on? Christina and I have a clear directive and we don't waiver on our calling but we sure do struggle with this process called partner development. Our accountability coach encouraged us to seek God, refocus our efforts and just be still. So that's what we did.

 I take walks with God. I grew up in the woods and find renewal and peace there, so I hiked the Indian Face. Its a westward facing rock at the top of the Delaware Water Gap, a divine area where you stand atop of the Appalachian trail and look down on the Delaware river which runs through from Pennsy to Jersey.  In this setting my prayer was "God I wanna hear from you, talk!"  My father in-law, with great wisdom, expressed the divine presence of God to me once and explained that should a sinful human enter God's presence their head would just explode.  I'm not quite sure if the theology is perfect but the thought ran through my mind as God bellowed in my ear on the entire hike.  Everything had so much meaning from the terrain of the trail to the exposed cliffs and highway below and even the red and white trail markers. It was so intense and so simple its cliche to say but the message was this, to stay on the trail.

Now back to present day, we've seen steady growth in our partner development and maturity in our faith, yet I find myself at another set back.  See Switzerland's visa process is very complicated and to make maters more difficult, our school is small and doesn't have a large voice (yet). Our directors explained the complications and avenues that we can proceed in, and with great honesty and fidelity they expressed the bleak outlook with the current state of our Visa's. We expected some opposition with this transition but we were naive to the constant struggle that it would be.

Even though we had a serious talk it finished by being positive and quite hopeful. I thank God for Reto and Judy and the kids, I look forward to gleaning as much info on family, missions and life from them as I can.

I think we over analyze and change our minds a lot when faced with challenges. I mean why do we expect it to be easy? They killed Jesus right, I mean if we follow him this is our probable future, right? As followers of Christ we should recognize this early on, but in my faith this is constantly being reinforced.

Ok back to my story, so when we're down where do we go?  God.  After the skype meeting I sat on the deck pleading my anxieties with God.  Gently he lead me to 2 Samuel 5:20 by stirring the pages of my Bible with the wind. This passage is a story of King David right after the elders agree with Judah and crown him King of Israel. The plot thickens and the Philistine's try and take advantage of the Israelites while the kingdom is in transition.  They camp in the valley of Rephaim, the valley of the giants. The Philistines were perceived by the Hebrews as giants and we know of the infamous Philistine giant "Goliath". Now King David heads to the stronghold and seeks the council of the Lord.

Pause, Davos is a valley in the Swiss Alps and I definitely see giants there. Giants of visa's, finances and a unfamiliar culture. Meanwhile I'm dealing with the anxiety of this reality and taking refuge in my stronghold (prayer) and seeking God's council (his word). 

So David asks if he should go up and face the Philistines, God says go I am with you, and they are victorious. Profound and Simple right? But David proclaims the area as Baal-Perazim saying "The LORD hath broken forth upon mine enemies before me, as the breach of waters."

Here is when God talked.

When I read, I usually read until something sticks to me, or I feel like I need to research something. Either a word or a place or the history of the that particular story. So with this prod from the Holy Ghost I looked into this phrase Baal-Perazim. Simply put it means:  "Owner of Breakings Through", other translations of the scripture say  “The LORD has broken through my enemies before me like a breaking flood.” or "Jehovah hath broken mine enemies before me, like the breach of waters."

David sees the mighty hand of God move and the power he compares it to is a flood of water over his giants. This word comes to me as I ponder the future and the difficulties involved with joining a ministry overseas.  The loud n' clear, simple word I heard on my hike up the Indians Face and the word from second Samuel five encourages me to stay on the path 'cause my God is the God of breakthroughs!

All of this is to say that our God who comforts us, says nothing is bigger than him, nothing is to strong for him, or anything to uncertain for him. He tells me to go up to Davos and face the giants in the valley, because He is surely with me. My faith grows and the anxiety disappears. So the words Baal-Perazim are true. He is the God of Breakthrough and he will "Burst through my enemies like a raging flood! 

A Painful Blessing

Recently, I was reading a post by Chuck Missler and one of his sub-headings read, "a painful blessing."

I though to myself, yes, this is life.

This is been welling up in me for months.  With each monumental answer to pray coming to pass a pain has been forming.  I haven't had words for it until now...

Remy was having a late night chat with Aunt Diana and came to the conclusion that nature is change.  She is wise beyond her years.  Change, for me at least, seems to be at the heart of this melancholia that has often left me either in hysterics or completely numb as a way to cope. To complicate matters even more, the irony of the situation is that I wouldn't change a thing about all of these changes.        

Yesterday we dropped my mom at the airport.  She left to join my father as he serves in the Army outside of Ramstein, Germany.  This is a blessing for them and their marriage.  They will have the opportunity to explore Europe together and experience a sort of second honeymoon filled with excitement and adventure.  He's taken time off and they're spending the week in Paris.  Bon, oui!

On the way home I was excited for my mom but also for us to have some privacy in the house.  One of the painful blessings that came with our house selling was moving into my parents home.  If you've ever had to move back home you know what I mean by that!  As we drove, Adam and I reflected on all of the changes and he didn't seem to be as enthused as I was about this most recent one.

He said, "but you don't understand, I use to wake up and have a cup of coffee with your mom every morning, we would talk."   

 He went on to say that it had struck him as being sad that life as we know it will never be this way again.  The mood in the car changed.  It was true, life as we have come to know it, and be comfortable in it, since having the kids and living near family in Pennsylvania will never be the same. Who knows if my parents will keep this house when they move back at the end of my dad's assignment.  The way my mom is talking she seems to have visions of swimming pools in South Florida swirling in her head.  Or if Adam's parents will leave the area for a more hospitable climate.

When confronted with the reality of the life you're leaving, it can be enough to make even the most steadfast person pause and grieve a little.  We really do, do our best to stay positive and excited about the adventures that are awaiting us.  It's when these major blessings of life events happen, that can only come to pass by the Hand of God, that we pause and stand in awe.  The awe however brings with it a reality check that this new life we are jumping head first into is more than just fanciful dreams and comes with a cost.  

Two years ago I wept to the Lord about taking the children from their families and He answered those tears by moving my parents 5 hours from our new Swiss home.  Here I sit still in the States, awaiting our move in a mostly empty house, sleeping on air mattresses and reaping the fruit from this and many other answered prayers.

The knowledge I'm maturing into is that break though and answered prayer doesn't always come wrapped in a pretty little box of euphoria.  Break through and answered prayer are character forming and challenges the depths of your convictions.

Now that you have it, is this what you really wanted.  My answer is yes...this is life. 

Francis Frangipane

"We come to Christ and a new day begins. Yet with the Lord the day does not start at sunrise; it begins at evening (Gen. 1:5). It is here, as evening turns to night, that some panic. Yet, it is during this night that God teaches us to walk by faith not sight. It is during this time, where we can hear but cannot see, that we learn to live by God’s word, which He whispers “in the darkness” (Matt. 10:27). Dawn will come, beloved. When it breaks, you will see how God has made you a true person of faith. And the word you heard whispered in darkness – that still small voice – you will proclaim “in the light.” For what changed you, will change others also."

"You are now in Heaven and Heaven is in you -- You are simply on loan to demonstrate Heaven on earth, the immeasurable riches of His grace."

-Georgian and Winnie Banov 

Bread and Wine

This was taken at the old military fort that overlooks Sarajevo, which was used to bomb the city during the war.

      

There she stood with large, warm, tears slowly rolling down her cheeks.

“All of this time I’ve been standing beside her, mourning with her, as if she were dead,” she said to us after service.  She was talking about Sarajevo, the city that she loved.

   

      The woman standing before us was a long-term missionary serving in Sarajevo, Bosnia.  She spoke to us of how she had been caught up in the spirit of mourning that hangs heavily in the air over the city.  She had become weary from years of ministering to a generation of people scarred by war.  A people who believe that the war is not over, but that it’s just not happening now, and who daily relive past horrors in their hearts and minds.  A people who walk around as if they were unable to awaken from the nightmare of a deep sleep.       

    

     The night before we met this woman, the Lord spoke to us about all of these things.  We were in our room settling in for the night.  It was a warm cozy room on the top floor of a church, nestled into the hillside.  Adam was reading Mark chapter six when he was overcome with excitement.

“Chris, I think God is showing me something about Sarajevo! Come read this!” 
 There we sat, together, reading and praying.

     The story before us was about a twelve-year-old girl; which ironically had been the number of years that had pasted since the Bosnian war had ended.  In the story the girl had been presumed dead.  Mourning was in full swing, people were crying and wailing loudly.  They even laughed at Jesus when he said that she was only asleep.  Then he took the girls parents into her room, held her hand, and told her to get up.  Immediately she arose and Jesus told them to give her something to eat.

    

     That night the Lord spoke into our hearts that Sarajevo, like the girl, had been presumed dead.  Although many were mourning for her, she was not dead, only asleep.  They were a generation who were walking around in a daydream needing to be called out from their slumber.  A generation who was in desperate need of something to eat, in need of the bread of life and cup of salvation.

-Just one of many moments we experienced while on outreach with our DTS in 2007.

Stunning . . . you may need some tissues, I did.

The Gospel in 4 minutes.

"This relationship, this love thing, this oneness thing 

– it must be
worth it. 

There is a way to heal when hurt happens – His name is Jesus.

There is a way to trust again – His name is Jesus. 

There is a way to
work out our disagreements – His name is Jesus.

There is a way to be
vulnerable again – His name is Jesus. 

When I get hurt, I have two
choices: to heal or to hide."

                                -Taken from the article, The Power of Oneness, by Karen Slaughter

                                                                     

Through God's eyes.

I cherish the moments when God gives me the eyes to see myself the way He sees me.  He takes away the fear I feel and keeps me from shrinking back.  He gives me strength to move forward with courage and confidence.

When God looks at me He sees who He has created me to be and not how I might be feeling about myself in the moment.

When I see myself through God's eyes I'm compelled to become the person that He knows I was born to be.

Some of the greatest lessons I've learned from the Lord happen at the strangest times.  A few nights ago He gave me a glimpse of how He sees me and all who bear the name of Christ.

We share a bathroom on our floor in what use to be an old hospital.  I'm an old lady now and I often get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  It can be a little spooky at night but luckily there are motion detectors that automatically make the lights come on in the hall.   

This particular night I had spent a little too much time in the ladies room and when I came out it was pitch black.  Right away I started to get that feeling up and down my spine.  Then I entered the hallway and the lights came on and as I moved I heard the Lord speaking in to my heart.

He gently whispered, "just your presence in this dark place causes there to be light."  Immediately peace flooded over me. 

Since that night when God used the motion lights as an illustration I've carried myself differently.  I've had confidence and courage, fully knowing that Christ's light shines through me, at times when I would normally be fearful and shrink back. 

 Just that small phrase that God spoke into my heart has done so much to liberate me from the fear that tries to creep in and hold me back.  Before it was just head knowledge, that Christ's light shines though me.  Now it's heart knowledge because I've seen myself through God's eyes.

Night time view from our room.

“Our
deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we
are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that
most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of
God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure
around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to
make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some
of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are
liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates
others.”

-Marianne Williamson

Sit back, close your eyes and soak this in.

Alone in the mountains with God

Adam and I spent some time tucked away in the Colorado Rockies seeking the Lord.  We were hidden away from the rest of the world and our surroundings were awe inspiring.  We were doing our DTS with Youth With A Mission.  Each part of the day was spent in quiet time with God.  It's not so much that you have to be quiet as it is a quieting of your heart before the Lord.  Some people would pop their headphones on, listen to worship and go for a jog.   Some would read and others would find a secluded place on campus, grab their guitar and sing praises. 

                               

                                      This is what we woke up to every morning.  Beautiful.

 In the midst of what has become one of my most cherished quiet times, the Lord grabbed my heart and began to speak to me out of Song of Songs about His deep love for me.  I want to share the conversation He had with me that night because I know that what he spoke into my heart is true of his feelings for each one of us.

My love,

When I asked to see your face you whispered,

so softly, like you always do;

look around,
to your brothers, sisters, neighbors,
 and there you will see me for I have created them in my image

you have been looking into my eyes all along.

My darling, you just didn't know it.

My love,

when I asked you to break my heart for the things your heart 

breaks for, you whispered , so softly

it's my children, I miss them

they have all run away.  Some are hurting, some are lonely,

some are trapped.  I would take them all back in a heart beat,

they just don't know it.  

My darling, will you tell them I love them and can't wait 

for them to come home?

My love,

When I asked to understand the depth of your love for me, 

you whispered, "like a lily among thorns is my darling 

among the maidens." "All beautiful you are my darling, 

there is no flaw in you."

My love, 

When I asked you to help me believe all this,

down to the very depths of my being,

you whispered so softly, as you always do,

my darling, I would die for you.  I would go down to the very

pit of hell and back for you.

My love,

but you already have.

My darling, 

I know.

My friend Amy posted this on Facebook. I just love it.

A
little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a
woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mum just hugged
him and said, "And you never will." "All women cry for no reason," was
all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still
wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got
on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?" God said:
"When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders
strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to
give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the
rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness
that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take
care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I
gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all
circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her
strength to carry her man through his faults and fashioned her from his
rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good man
never hurts his woman, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve
to stand beside him unfaltering. And finally, I gave her a tear to
shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed." "You see
my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she
wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The
beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway
to her heart - the place where love resides."