Disclaimer:
After reading this, Adam told me that this isn't my best writing, that it's harsh and a bit of a rant.
I can see his point.
It isn't pretty, but that's life sometimes.
"A Christian is a perfectly free lord of all, subject to none. A
Christian is a perfectly dutiful servant of all, subject to all."
-Martin Luther
Submission is a particularly hard topic for me to write about. I have, and always have had, a very rebellious spirit.
I come from a fiery mix of Irish from the Bronx and Italian from
Brooklyn. With that kind of heritage, did my parents honestly think
they were going to create children who posses quiet and gentle spirits?
As fun as it is to blame the folks, I do have to take ownership of my behavior.
Even from my earliest memories, someone telling me I wasn't able to do
something was like an invitation to go ahead and do it. During college,
I had an honors philosophy course with a professor I thought was
arrogant. He ended up giving me a B. Maybe my attitude had something
to do with it; I tend to have opinions. Long story short, I took another class with that particular professor just to prove I was capable of earning an A from him.
Sure
enough, I got an A the next time around. Truth is, if I didn't think
he was arrogant and actually had respect for him, I would have accepted
the B and moved on.
That seems to be my problem, respect.
I treat everyone I meet with respect. However, it's not something I
continue to freely give once I get to know a person. I especially do
not have a tendency to give people respect based solely on their title.
It's not the best way to be, I know.
My rebellious spirit is tied very closely to my issue with respect.
I don't take kindly to those who are arrogant, prideful or bullies.
These character traits are what make me lose respect for people.
Particularly bullies. If I see you picking on someone, you had better
watch out! I don't care that I'm 5' 2" and you're 6 foot; you will apologize if I have anything to say about it.
This
is where the book comes into play. At least once on each page I stopped
to reflect for several minutes. There is a particular someone in my
life whom I was reflecting on, who has at times been a bully and
embodies arrogance and pride. By virtue of relation I can not simply
walk away from the relationship. I would love to walk away and I've even convinced myself at times that if this person were not in my life, then it would be far easier to forgive. You see forgiveness does not equal trust and I am constantly given reasons not to trust him which makes it hard to forgive. Forgiveness is also a continual process. Every time feelings rise up and I want to hold on to past offenses, I have to let go and forgive again.
The
problem I have is that it seems like every time I see this person,
which is often, I come away with new reasons not to like him. It's to
the point that if I hear one more story about how he punched someone in
the face, I'm going to pack up my kids and drive home.
So
what does all of this have to do with submission? It's because of my
lack of respect for this person that everything he says and does makes
me want to rebel against him. If I don't have respect for him then am I
really expected to submit to him simply because of his role in our
lives? This is the part where God comes into play. When you look at submission in a Biblical sense, I'm not expected to submit to him, because the way submission would present itself in our relationship would be destructive.
But
also in a Biblical sense I am expected to submit . . . not to him but
to Jesus and Jesus says, "If any man would follow me, let him deny
himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Mark 8:34).
In
the book, Foster talks about self-denial not as an expression of
self-hatred and rejection of individuality, but as a means to freedom.
He says, "self-denial is simply a way of coming to understand that we
do not have to have our own way. Our happiness is not dependent upon
getting what we want . . . It means that you are set free from the
seething anger and bitterness you feel when someone doesn't act toward
you the way you think they should act."
Seething anger? That's me. Bitterness? That's me too. The
biggest reason for my laundry list of offenses against this person is
that he does not act the way he should in regards to his role in our
lives. What complicates matters even more is that after years and
years of praying for this person, he is finally starting to acknowledge
God as the Lord of his life. It was much easier to have these feelings
about him when he wasn't making an attempt to love Jesus.
So
what does submission look like in this situation? For starters, "the
one and only compelling reason for submission is the example of Jesus."
The Scriptures say that, "he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross!" (Phl 2:8). If
Jesus went to this extreme, and denied himself unto death for me and
for you, then as someone who loves him I too have to deny myself.
You
see the thing is, we (collectively speaking), do a lot of miserable
things to each other. Our behavior breaks God's heart to no end. We
also do
a lot of miserable things to ourselves and we treat God with contempt.
God could just say the word and it would all be over with and he has
every
right to. Every right. But he doesn't. Why? There's simply one
reason; Jesus. God's one and only compelling reason to not wipe us out
is the example of Jesus, and in this way God humbles and submits himself
to us. God too denies himself, for the sake of Jesus.
This
is my act of submission, for the sake of Jesus: to deny wanting to walk away
from this person forever, to deny my rights to an apology, to deny my
desire for this person to acknowledge his wrong doing and ask for my
forgiveness, and finally to deny myself the satisfaction I feel when
his behavior continues to justify my distaste for him.
There
is on more step that I believe the Lord is asking me to take, one final
act of submission. I'm supposed to sit down with this person and ask
for his forgiveness. I have to ask him to forgive me for all of
these things I've been holding against him. I really don't want to do
this, but I know the day is coming, if only to be obedient to the Lord.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Update:
The day came and I did it. I talked to him. I really didn't want to and the whole time I just kept thinking to myself, I can't wait until it's over with and I'm on the other side of it. Let me just say that it feels SO good to be on the other side of it. This millstone of atrocious emotions I've been carrying for this person has been lifted off of my shoulders and I am finally truly free from the bitterness of spirit that has been plaguing me. I invited him over for dinner and asked him to forgive me for the things I've been holding against him and without hesitation he forgave me . . . then he asked for my forgiveness and I gave it in return. That right there is God. There was even a hug, that's especially God.