"Settle yourself in solitude and you will come up on Him in yourself."
- Teresa of Ávila
Something has been going on with me lately. I don't know what it is but I haven't felt this inspired in years! I have so much creativity bubbling up inside that I don't know what to do with it all.
I thought this part of me was gone.
Burnt out from going to school full time and working full time. Exhausted from moving 8 times in the last four years. Driven out by 2 am feedings and screaming babies. I tried to hold on to the creativity, but little by little it has faded away.
I lost myself when I lost my creativity. It moved me and it moved my soul. I took it for granted.
What I didn't know, until after I graduated college, was that the studio had become my secret meeting place with God. Life was chaotic. The canvas and potters wheel were the places that we would sneak away to so we could spend time with one another. The studio was alive with music and people were buzzing around with inspiration; but for me, the world around stood still and my heart was quiet and focused on God. He spoke to me sweetly as I drew up the walls on a pot. He directed my hand with each brushstroke.
During this time I was very involved with church; youth group, an overseas mission trip, Bible studies and young adult groups. The ironic part is, that's not were God and I would meet. Sure, we would meet on a superficial level, but those were not the places where I would drink from his cup and be satisfied.
I was most certainly striving to be satisfied by the Lord in those place. I lacked the wisdom and the vision to see that it was only when I let my guard down and my vulnerability was exposed by the medium of art, that the door was open and the invitation sent out for the Lord to really reach into my heart and do his transforming work. I say my vulnerability was exposed because creating artwork is a kin to holding a mirror to your soul. It reveals your inner workings, it speaks of your temperament. The finished product is held ransom by the criticism of others. If the critique does not go well, then it's back to the drawing board.
After college I found myself craving God.
I thought that was odd. I was still very busy with church and thought I was spending time with God. So then why was I craving him as though we had been apart? One day a friend and I were talking about spending time with God and she started telling me about how running was a very special part of their relationship. When she doesn't run for awhile she feels very distant from the Lord and just isn't herself.
It's amazing to me that you can do all the right things, so to speak, like reading the Bible and praying, going to church, et cetera . . . all with an earnest heart and it isn't going to bring you anywhere as close to the Lord as having a secret meeting place will. That's what solitude is all about.
The conversation with my friend helped me to see that the studio was for me what running is for her. Our secret meeting place with the Lord. God didn't use art in and of itself to nourish my weary soul, he used the inner environment that sitting at the canvas or wheel created. The inner environment was one of silence, peace, calm. I was intentionally focusing on God while quieting my mind and the art work that was birthed was the overflow of our interaction. He was my muse. He taught me how to appreciate the beauty in others by being able to admire their work without having to compare it to my own. He taught me how to be centered on the wheel by being centered on him; and how to be overjoyed rather than disappointed when the finished product looked nothing like my original concept.
Much of life is like that, isn't it? We set out on our way with one idea of how our lives should be and then it always turns out to be something different. Are you still able to be joyful and thankful when this happens to you? Sadly, much of humanity chooses bitterness.
For years I've felt the void left by the lack of solitude with the Lord. I need it; I want it, it's just that these days I'm lucky if I get to brush my teeth by myself.
So what's with all of the inspiration lately? It's not just art either. Adam and I are learning to play guitar together. It's such a wonderful thing for us to do as a couple and very relaxing. I also have heaps of ideas for some personal writing. Maybe one day I'll post some of it. But what I really feel is going on, is that the Lord is calling me back to himself. There's a verse in Hosea that says, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her."
My beloved is pursuing me, he is stirring my soul and once again I will meet him in our secret place.